“DID isn’t that different from regular folks,” I keep telling myself. Or ‘selves’. Or parts and sides. Or trying to . . .
We’re well aware here the last few days – or has it already been a week? – that we’ve hardly written a thing. We haven’t been ‘working’ exactly, though we got the grass mowed and are looking at a long weekend with my daughter.
But for the most part it’s like “pieces” and “parts” of myself have gone missing, gone into hiding, or are conferring somewhere – that deep inside place where for the most part, us conscious parts aren’t “allowed”.
There’s something ‘up’, that’s most definite; however ‘what’ remains unsure, uncertain, unseen. We see/feel parts ‘move’, disappear – and it’s like “they’ve been talking to someone” and some plan is afoot (again) without any of “us” (on top and aware) knowing what is going on.
It’s happened before, and I wonder about you ‘regular’ people: do you ever sense some unconscious plotting or planning going on that you are unaware of – your subconscious, perhaps, grinding away at some question (or answer)? A deeply hidden ‘part’ that WE have become aware is always aware and guiding our ‘lives’ in some way?
We don’t know. There’s just that low ‘grind’, that almost heard but never more than murmurs being heard – like hearing a conversation through the thick walls of a well insulated bedroom, with earmuffs on . . . a ‘consulting’ of ‘others’ regarding . . .
Well, we don’t know, and that’s the bitch of it (but not a bitch at all). It’s like standing outside of a meeting where the shrinks are all talking about you – some slight anxious anticipation, but not knowing what ‘they’ are planning – whether it will be a blessing, a curse, or a ‘cure’. (Though we realize: there is no ‘cure’ for this thing – it’s been going on too long. The idea of forming – being – “one” entity has become foreign to ‘us’. In some ways.)
We’ve grown kind of used to this sort of thing. Last year was a real eye-opener! We didn’t expect ‘that’ at all – the complete disintegration and reintegration, nor the confinement and abuse. As far as ‘I’ know that was not one of our goals, but it happened nevertheless. Nor did we expect to ‘recapture’ or rebuild our religious being, but that happened, too. I guess some old part said “yeah, it’s time” – and we shed the shame and guilt of being a molested child, too.
That’s something we got down right quick (and a wonder, too!) – which is surprising given that that hadn’t been one of our goals, too, but it happened. Of course society doesn’t help in this thing. You wouldn’t believe how much society damages us/ hurt us – abused children, too – with their condemnation of child abusers, especially the sexual ones – how that condemnation overflows onto the child, especially one who ‘went along with it’ and even asked to be F’d in the A sometimes.
Hard to do even still, typing that. (Are you offended? Can you ‘see’ this sort of thing: how society’s views penetrate the child as surely as his abusers did?) But not so hard as before.
We are ‘afraid’ of ‘getting stuck’ – but then again, what’s to get stuck with, or for? We hate our abuse, but it happened – but we don’t get caught in the “hate” track for very long. Nor do we hate the child for having done that – something many molestation survivors struggle with (going along, or simply participating). We counsel other survivors sometimes . . . I suppose that helps.
But I hate being caught in this ‘mode’ – voices pretty much silent (but they are there! – waiting for ‘our mom’ to get home – we are going on a trip to the daughter’s house today and tomorrow!). See? That childhood excitement is still there; the ‘children’ are still around – but it’s like ‘everyone’ has become preoccupied with something and “I” (M3, Matthew, & the Marine) have been “left out” . . .
The feeling is about the same as one would get knowing a party was being planned – and a surprise! one – but you aren’t too sure about going – but know it’s coming anyway. You can’t escape it, after all, for the party is inside of you – regardless of what you say or do.
I’ve noticed “Jeffery” has been gone a great deal – off doing ‘his’ thing (I think). “He” is the main counselor of our group, and I think he’s in “conference” with ‘someone’ (that hidden ‘being’? Perhaps “the core”? – that swirl of ‘voices’ inside? We don’t know). We do know ‘we’ trust him a fair bit, though he is not a strong host, ‘he’ has had many good and positive effects on ‘us’ in terms of compromising and ‘getting along’. We can only assume he’s working hard (feels like it – waaayy deep down inside) as resolving or doing something . . .
Which we wonder: Has it anything to do with “13” and his alter part, “Jeremy”, built by both 13 and Little Mikie/Michael? “13” has been quite silent – but he’s there *bigtime!* – we know because of some of the memories he’s been having – which means ‘we’ have been having – not ‘recovered’ but just remembered from the times when we were 10 and 12. There’s ‘something’ there – something dark and warning, hard, bad, military minded perhaps – we can’t quite tell, but antennas are up as if listening for a distant warning or siren call . . .
We’ll see. We’ve just been muddling along – blank minded in lots of ways (neither bad nor good), tired, headachy (weather, I think) – and anticipating something – but not knowing what it is.
Should be interesting (to us, anyway). Hoping for the best, storm eye on the clouds, listening to the murmurs and the rumbling (as if over the horizon) – a tad of worry, but mostly accepting and just living in “the now” while awaiting what will come.
Whatever that may be. (wry smile).
Until then . . . we’re doing ‘good’. Or as good as we can given the dazy days of things.