Random: 09032012:1900 – Army Programming; Mom

Stress:

My mom has remained under a lot of stress.  All her life she has stressed, been stressed, and stressed about everything – things she can control, things she cannot.  She used to fly into violent rages; huge torrents of tirades filled with scathing words, threats of violence, suicide – you name it.  Dishes would go flying and knives would come out of drawers . . .

as a consequence, her blood pressure rides a little high.

Also as a consequence (this is the woman who says: “I’m only happy when I’m mad”) – of her age and high blood pressure, she has started losing her mental capacities a bit.

Now she knows – and I know – and all in the family know – the history of her mother’s mental decline: a sudden decelerating in remembering today’s events – then the past – then ‘everything’ . . .

My mom, who has found herself under stress again, and who worries about every little thing . . . who’s doctor always looks at her in amazement that she’s alive despite this ongoing ultra-super-high blood pressure . . . has began exhibiting ‘signs’.  She says it’s the pressure of living with my dad . . .

Then she mentioned going into counseling – that she’d never tried.

“What?”, I asked, genuinely amazed.  I’ve gone into counseling and out of it – several times.  I would think my mother – a genuinely stressed and enraged mother; a modern thinker – she was burning bras before bra burning began – would have opened her mind to someone by now . . .

“It was the Army,” she explained.  “I couldn’t go into counseling because of the Army.  They said it would jeopardize The Mission.  (you could hear the caps in her voice).  They were afraid what I might say . . .”

And by implication she couldn’t have – wouldn’t have – and it was strongly discouraged: any counseling for ‘us’ as a young child.  The Army couldn’t have their secrets told . . . after all, it might affect “The Mission”.

“But that was over twenty years ago!,” I exclaimed to my mom.  “He’s been out – how long?  Twenty? Thirty years?!  The “mission” is long over!”

“But we had to protect him,” she stubbornly says, as if those facts have no bearing on today.  “I wasn’t allowed to go into counseling.”

The fact that she has said she was stopped by the Army as “part of ‘the Mission'” – well, that tells me something.  She is ‘trapped’ still by some sort of ‘programming’ that took place when we were very small.  She is still ‘trapped’ in the mission – and some other things that went along with that.

Protecting our dad.  “The Dad”.  The Army soldier who would come home and beat us awhile, then ignore us for a long time.  Not that he was around much.  He was always going TDY.  That or on some kind of ‘mission’.

Us kids rarely knew what kind of mission he was on.  Just electronics and communications.  Later on, when we were 12 or 13, we lived on a base for awhile where those kinds of missions took place.  It was a weird thing.

Weird to think she’s still caught in that programming . . . her, of all folks.  Tough and independent – and scared.  Still, even now, forty, fifty years after the events . . .

It was a tough world back then.

I tried to get her to “think about” getting some counseling.  Lord knows, the woman needs a safety valve she can blow off on.  Us family members (and she can sense this) can only take ‘so much’.  She’s wanted to kill my dad forever and yet is scared to death he’ll die – and she’ll lose all her income.

“Mom.”  I’ve been talking to her about this sort of nonsense for so many years, trying to help her.  “You probably should get some counseling.  You might even enjoy it!”

She bitches about the cost, the lack of Medicare support (the nearest ‘clinic’ is one you don’t want to go to); Tri-Care, on and on . . . all those reasons not to go, or even try . . . we’ve been down this kind of road again and again with her . . . I sigh . . .

I’m tired of listening.

However, this whole thing – this conversation with her – only somewhat upsetting – after all, it’s not about me, it’s about her, though you know who will have to be dealing with her – or my dad – when one or the other gets too bad . . . something my wife has been reminding me of.  My mother would be a horror to be around; my dad?  A hermit of a type, but lazy, won’t pick up after himself . . . stays on his computer or sleeping or typing his endless religious thesis . . .

And my mind gets to thinking about the past; those endless missions . . . (I – and ‘we’ – all shudder some inside . . . no reason, just ‘dreaming’ of a past that either did or did not unfold – I don’t know some of the time).

And it occurred to me as I mentioned this to my wife (the entire conversation):

We were taught that “nobody messes with your head.”.  I remember being taught that over and over again.  “Don’t let ANYONE EVER mess with your head.”

I tried to explain that to a psychiatrist one time; over and over again I said: I’ve been conditioned to resist.  You have to learn when to push and when to let go.  You have to know.

Otherwise it’s not going to work.

I remember my dad hypnotizing me again and again (or at least he was trying to; I wouldn’t remember if he ever did I presume.  But I watched him do it to my brother . . .

and one of those ending phrases always was about letting someone ‘in my head’ to ‘mess around’.

It strikes me that perhaps my mom, too, has had some of this kind of ‘training’ – or else the idea of seeing a counselor was rendered so aberrant (you’re not allowed to have any weakness, especially of a mental kind), or else her ‘programming’ was so strong that even now it takes hold – refusing to allow her to call for help of any kind.

Not much I can do about it (I muse) . . .

but damn, some Army programming . . .

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About jeffssong

JW is an adult childhood abuse survivor with DID*. He grew up in a violent family devoid of love and affection. He is a military brat and veteran. He no longer struggles with that past. In 1976 JW began writing "The Boy". It took 34 years to complete. It is currently on Kindle (http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004T3IVKK ), or if you prefer hard copy, on Amazon ( http://www.amazon.com/Boy-J-W/dp/1461022681). JW resides somewhere in the deep South. He is disabled and living with family. Note: Please feel free to take what you need; all is free to all. With that in mind, keep it that way to others. Thank you. We have 3 Blogs - One for our younger days, 0-10 (The Little Shop of Horrors); one for our Teen Alter and his 'friends' (also alters) with a lot of poetry; and finally "my" own, the Song of Life (current events and things)
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9 Responses to Random: 09032012:1900 – Army Programming; Mom

  1. Noel says:

    This post reminds me of my mom. She also worries about everything. She endured an abusive marriage. Has been, and continues to take care of my disabled brother. Worries about her ill sisters, elderly husband, finances, distant son (my other brother) and unemployed older son (my oldest brother). But she is a true blessing, a strong woman. An angel.

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    • jeffssong says:

      I’m glad your mom is a blessing. I recognize my mom tried all her life; I recognize the sacrifices she made. But I also recognize the madness and wish she’d gotten some help – and for ‘us’. That would have made things different, I presume. A lot better in some ways, perhaps. Chances are we’d be a lot better off than the way we (our whole family) is now. Brother is still screwed up, so is (as you see) mom, dad tied up into his religion (which he always was – and ignoring us as a consequence – strange story, but all about ego-tripping, if you know what I mean.)

      I find it frustrating even still though that such was “the training” and army programming that it still has ‘stuck’ so bad within our family – and affected our family’s families. My mom CAN be strong, but OMG – when she gets going she can become scary, or (I think) she might suicide out – or decide to take the old man and herself out to “spare us kids”. Not much WE can do about it but go “sigh” and watch. She’s got a heart . . . just twisted in some ways. :/

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  2. Michael says:

    Just wondering if what you mother is speaking of is how she had to sign a non-disclosure thing about you being in the hospital when you were a baby for the MKULTRA mission. I think you call it that you got lost?

    Just a thought.

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    • jeffssong says:

      My mom says I “got lost” after she gave birth to me in a German hospital – a highly unusual thing, especially in a GERMAN hospital (for those people are very meticulous). My wife says she can’t understand why my parent’s didn’t get all upset & comb that hospital for me, as she (and ‘I’) would! But I don’t think my mom had a lot to do with “it”, whatever “it” was. I do think the Army denied her benefits based upon her husband’s “mission”. And I wouldn’t put it past my dad (or some Army psychologist) to try to hypnotize my mom and try to put in some suggestion. She’s wild, man, really. And some of her ‘programming’ stems from child abuse and our child abuse often (I am almost certain) stems from that. As far as my dad, tho – he would stoop to anything to elevate himself or get a promotion; he still ‘uses’ us (or tries to) – to promote himself in the public’s eye. He IS a selfish SOB at heart; I have no doubt that if he stood to “make something” from it, he would sacrifice a child – including his own. He’s cruel in his own way; a true closet sadist who’ll cut a friend’s throat to promote his own behavior & standing in the public eye. Just saying.

      That’s one of the main reasons my mom’s blood pressure is so high – and it’s gonna be a race to see which one dies first.

      I wonder if I (or any of my own selves) will be grieving at their departure. I kinda doubt it; it’ll be a relief in some ways. A lot of ways to MY mind. (wry frown).

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      • Michael says:

        The relatives that let their children got paid to do so with bonuses for time away from home. There was a yearly check.

        I can see how you father would be all excited about having you in MKULTA. Give him an in as far as he was concerned.

        I just started to figure out not many people are assholes to everyone. They need someone to like them.

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      • jeffssong says:

        I could easily see my dad using us to get his promotion. He got promoted to Warrant Officer (W1) as a young Sgt. despite having a bad track record. He let me KNOW we (my brother & I) were part of his experiment(s) in psychology; I know when I was 12. And from what I know of the Army – yeah, I could easily see them coming up with a ‘program’ of their own (officially or unofficially) after looking at what MK had done – plus there were issues of safety overseas, and their perceptions of the threats we ALL (soldiers & dependents alike) faced – the probable outcomes of a nuclear exchange – how ‘we’ the Americans would survive … add my dad’s refusal to deny and the comments that he’s made. Nothing solid, though.

        But yeah: it’s part of the survival instinct to want to be “liked” and therefore accepted. After all, people who like/love you aren’t going to attack you, right? A survival thing. And if you get enough people to “like” you . . . well then, you’ve got the ‘power’ to influence them for your own survival (theoretically) by turning them against people YOU don’t like – and that’s when the asshole part starts coming in (see “tyrants & dictators, LOL!). Human psychology. “I want you to love/need me because I need you so bad,” kind of thinking. Not as applicable now as it was ‘then’, meaning our caveman/tribal days, were social disapproval and/or outcast status might cost you your life.

        Kind of a monkey thing. (wry smile) And yes; I’m a member of this tribe. Just watch Discovery channel sometime, LOL! Monkeys who aren’t accepted don’t do very well. A reason why we smile.

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  3. Michael says:

    In my case it was a 10 year program in that my parents got checks until I was 10.

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    • jeffssong says:

      It is odd. That thing last year; the guy confusing me (I think) with an MKULTRA survivor. Not sure. A few emails/comments by other former Army kid survivors. My own experiences. What my dad said last year about “the program is still going on, though not under that name.” His totally out of character behavior while questioning him, some even my wife found strange. His ‘knowing’ smile (what we at home here call his “shit eating smile”). You know how you can tell when something’s being left unsaid by someone you’ve known such a long time. He was the one who dropped off an OCS Army training manual I ‘reduced’ from 30 pages into 2 sentences – ‘condensing’ all that was said (through reduction and redacting) – made a few notes and then it disappeared. I didn’t even realize what I was doing; it was so strange. Scared the hell outta my wife; lost a few friends – they got a peep into some of the government’s greatest fears – and theirs because “I told”. He dropped off another manual later on. I don’t know what happened to it. Just a big blank there. oh well, who knows? Strange stuff happens sometimes; the last few years even more. Strange.

      Knowing him, just the ‘prestige’ of having a child in a ‘program’ would make him feel powerful inside. And I know when he started his psychological program because he told me when I was 12 – “I’m going to start a psychological program on you and your brother . . .”. That was *part* of the program, if you get it. I was the lab rat who ‘knew’ (and studied); my brother got the long train of ignorance and despair. He got the worst of it, IMO. Very bad.

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      • Michael says:

        My experience with the Armageddon program was minimal. I think a memo that was passed down and it was checked off. There was a whole list of programs that “perfects” had to be exposed to.

        Those in the navy/marines that had to deal with MKULTA were not pleased to have to do so. It was not good duty. Other than the Dr’s they thought they were clever. One of my contacts was a colonel’s son. God I got sick of listening to his drivel about his father. I was in a cabin with him for a month as part of the training.

        I like the marines that trained the children. A least we did something. They also would feed me when they were not supposed to and talk to be even thought they were supposed to be silent. Most of them were intellectually and emotionally children themselves. As far as I know they were for the most part lifers from lifer families other than the transport.

        As far as I know the funding for the children warriors stopped in 1964. I did have to deal with the remnants in 67. The safe houses are still owned by the government and those in the government use them for vacations and there depravity.Lots of land is still owned also.

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