DID: Splitting Demons
“The Devil made me do it.” How many times have you heard that? Apparently those with DID aren’t the only ones with inner demons; normal people have them, too. So how do you conquer them?
Now this is for DID folks; people like ‘me’ who have ‘alters’. Those who don’t have DID might not understand. Some with DID may not, too. Or this might not work for them. Different strokes for different folks, this is just a solution I picked up along the path I found. It may not be yours. Be aware that it may lead to more inner alters. Personally ‘I’ have learned to be fine with that: discovering new parts & sides to ‘myself’.
“We” had and have several demons and ‘bad boys’ in our system – those who would take you out with a fierce joy. Who are intentionally able and capable of ‘badness’. We ‘built’ one when we were 7 or so (the Soldier) and just kept on going. Blame it on the military and all those social roles we had to play in so many locations. Add to that a family fighting, the neighborhoods I grew up in – got yanked out of – and transferred to another one. Again and again and again.
So as a result I’ve got some really nasty demons, ‘parts’ of me you (and I!) don’t ever want to meet. (I typed ‘meat’ the first time I wrote this. A Freudian slip. sigh.) Some were ‘created’ for nuclear war, utter chaos, apocalyptic stuff. Blame it on the cultures I was in, and the directions I was encouraged . . .
How do you ‘deal’ with parts that are insane ‘killers’ raised by the military? ‘Parts’ of you which were trained to do and LIKE doing almost anything you can imagine, this horror and/or that. Due to the Vietnam war we were trained to kill children; due to the Cold war, infiltration and to create chaos in infrastructures of almost any kind. We were taught to interrogate prisoners in devilish fashion. Even as a small child.
How do you deal with things like that living inside of you?
Well, a few years ago during duress we took them apart and made them behave.
Well, the task wasn’t simple, that’s for sure. We were under a lot of stress (physical, emotional, and we suspect we were being given some kind of drug) – and we separated even more in order to use and maintain the individual aspects of ourselves – Mikie sucking up the pain (physical) and other parts ‘doing their duties’ to keep the body maintained and environment we were in well tended. There was a lot of practical application of the survival training we had to go through so long ago, though this was a few years ago. (A handler hand gotten ahold of us, we found out later.)
Anyway, we had to ‘use’ some of our bad parts to get around, and get around some of the threats we encountered – while at the same time maintaining some sense of stability and social responsibility. But we couldn’t accept some of what the bad parts were saying (and were trained to do) since that would be an over-application of force, and we weren’t into killing anybody. Not unless we had to . . .
So we found ourselves splitting and regressing some of our demons.
To understand that, you have to understand why your demons were made. Usually they were there to protect you. Unfortunately the circumstances that led to their being is what drove you (and them, apparently) insane. Even more unfortunately those demons may be insaner than ‘you’ are – filled with evil notions and thoughts, including destruction and chaos to the population around you; they may be filled with ‘self-destructive’ desires such as wanting to go on the ‘wild’ side, get back into drugs and ‘stuff’ – or even worse, personal vengeance, making yourself watch while they (or somebody ‘else’ under their own direction) cut into you . . .
That kinda stuff.
So what we learned to do (and did) was separate ‘them’ into “two” entities: the one that was trying to do some good by you, and the one that’s totally insane.
And then “we” took and turned the insane ones into ‘babies’ – squalling, crying, insane as hell babies. That way we could all sort of turn our back on them (and their insane pleas) and ‘ignore’ them and what they were saying for the insanity we know it to be in this type of society and in these kinds of times – therefore negating their original origins (created for war) and their desires (for the most part).
Then we gave the job to our ‘children’ of taking care of them, these little insane babies of ours.
It’s gotten a lot easier to ignore those ‘voices’ in ‘my’ mind, though we’re still multiple for sure. But those bad ones . . . well, traffic/road rage can bring one out a bit, and we’re still quite able to get upset in our mind, however, anger issues are no longer accompanied by other feelings (not too much) regarding destruction of our species, or at least the ones in our local environment, LOL. Or cutting or any of that sort of thing . . .
Until later – we’ve been very busy this summer on a special project – and may write some more later on that. As for this post – it’s been hanging here in the draft bin for months – time to get one out.