Imagine someone running your life by committee.
That’s what DID is like.
We have so many viewpoints, opinions – conflicting values, open morals (and closed ones) – that getting frozen in indecision can be quite a problem.
“Which one would you prefer?” someone asks me – referring to a food, candy, drink, trip . . . lifelong decision . . .
and sometimes “I” don’t have any preference because one thing appeals about as much as the other, only they’re . . .
“Different,” I tried to explain to my wife when she kept hammering at me one day to ‘make up your mind’. (I think it was over having grilled pork chops vs. Southern fried.) I skewed up my face, trying to explain.
Sometimes I like one thing as well as another – only different. Sometimes ‘we’ don’t like something at all. Sometimes some like and some don’t . . .
But that’s rare, and makes things exceedingly complex sometimes, since if one alter doesn’t get what he’s having a desire for, he (or she – or ‘it’) might get ‘others’ involved . . .
and then ‘sides’ can start forming.
That’s when things can get quite dangerous.
“We’ve” got a system of Majority rules – but it can be overshadowed by “the Crowd” (and I don’t know exactly ‘who’ they are, except that there are quite a lot of them – and oh boy! are they a moody bunch sometimes. Some, I think, are ‘souls’ (or personalities) prepared for a different time, another society that “I” sometimes want to be in, or sometimes not . . .)
At least we get along better than the Congress, Senate, and House.
However, that said, we know that this symptom of “Groups and Factions” affects other folks as well – and not just by freezing up decision making skills. It can get dangerous – and yet? – factions and groups and committees are necessary to some parts of our survival. It is how ‘we’ get things done (or not done – the latter more than the former, it seems!). But it also can lead to battles – to cut or not to cut? To get drunk or fall into the habit of drugs (again). To go out carousing, betraying the wife or not? To get the gun and call it an end – to myself and others. Or others . . . .
In short, it can be a ‘fight’ – not good. We use the weighing measure of “is it good for ALL? – good for the body and mind . . .” to help in determining these things . . .
Factions and groups are useful; they are how we can maintain control; but when factions and groups start hitting and hating one another things can go sour in a moment.
When you are DID you spend a lot of time listening to ‘yourself’ and ‘others’ inside – listening for whispered conversations, monitoring emotions, telling someone or other “no, not this, that – that’s the one that’s good for US (not you).” Often battles rage unseen – by ‘us’ no less! – when factions and groups get to forming . . .
We’ve learned to listen to ‘ourselves’, be aware, keep on monitoring – making sure everyone is cool, settled in – recognizes their place (or lack of one) in “this system”, our world, and the world at large. Often we are hit by impulses which at first glance seem self-destructive – but want to do anyway, knowing that they are.
And so we ‘sit down’ with these groups and factions and (sometimes) individual ‘parts’ of ‘my’ personality and attempt to reason with them. Form and order are more important than chaos, insanity, and nightmare. Keeping “it together” is more important than each of ‘us’ trying to go along on our own separate ways – not to mention it is impossible, since each of ‘us’ inhabit just one single body . . .
What affects one affects us all.
That said, it is important for groups and factions to recognize what is good for “us all” and not just one single ‘person’ or aspect of ‘myself’. It is important to maintain (somewhat) a system of status quo, where each ‘person’ has their input, but the ‘whole’ strives for what is good and right for US and society- and not just one part of ‘me’.
We know a lot of DID folks struggle – and struggle a LOT – to maintain a balance among the various (and sometimes conflicting) demands of ‘others’; that the system must maintain something that resembles a ‘whole’, with ‘everyone’ participating in the decision making, the rules and all that.
That we’ve all got to work for the good of ‘us’ – and by ‘us’ I mean us all. Not just ‘us’ on the inside, but out – our friends and relatives, acquaintances, social connections. We’ve got to maintain a proper behavior around someone – and someone ‘else’ – at all times.
We kinda grew up that way. It was enforced (with a LOT of emphasis on the word ‘force’) that we ‘behave’. (I used to ask: who IS this “have” guy that I’m supposed to be like? I wanna meet him.) We have to maintain the social rules – like ’em or not. Some things we – and parts of ‘we’ – hate and dislike with a passion. “We” weren’t raised up by the same rules as ‘you’, the normal world. ‘I’ was raised in somewhere else, by something else, not in the ‘normal’ fashion at all (that’s how some alters are created). I had to be.
Because that is what “I” am.
A DID person with a lot of persons in me.
And running by committee is hard.