DID & Me: Rewiring, or “It’s Just the Drugs”

I was recently reading an article in Discover magazine titled “OCD vs. Free Will” (by Steve Volk) regarding treatments for OCD (obsessive compulsive behavior) developed by Dr. Jeffrey Schwartz.

In it he refers to a phrase a patient of his used: “It’s not me, it’s my OCD!”

This kinda reminded me of a phrase my friends and I agreed to use when we were experimenting with LSD:

“It’s not me – it’s the drugs.”

And it also occurred to ‘me’ that this is what we had voluntarily and spontaneously started doing while on our trip to Puerto Rico.  A bad time, to be sure – but at the same time, one of the best, since a lot of what I think people would call ‘healing’ occurred at the same time.

Oh yeah – I’m still “DID” as hell, but on the other hand (wry grimace here) – “we’ve” learned a lot more about coping within ‘ourselves’ as a result of that experiment/experience and what we went through.

I’m not so sure drugs didn’t have anything to do with it.

And it occurred to me that “that is how we dealt with the ‘bad ones'” – the ‘demons‘, the hurtful ones (inside) to a large part.  ‘We’ divided them into their separate natures (good, bad, and otherwise), ‘regressed’ those parts which were ‘insane’, and condemned them to a ‘corner’ of my mind.

In short I got to the point of ignoring them (for the most part) – those evil whispers and urges to hurt myself and/or others, to engage in those behaviors which we had identified as self-destructive to the whole – things like staying married and off of drugs, maintain some stability in our lives, doing the right thing . . .

Now that’s not to say those ‘whispers’ don’t remain: they do, and are very active sometimes.  However, ‘I’ (the main host, ‘adult’ in other words) and some of my parts have been able to start shrugging them off as a ‘bit of nothing’ and assigning (if necessary) some of my younger parts to ‘look after them’.  (The psychotics – infantile, now.)

In short, those ‘whispers’ in my mind we started looking at as a symptom of the ‘disease’ and not the disease itself. That as I’ve come to wondering, is part of the wiring in my mind.

In short: A “It’s not ‘me’ – it’s the DID” kind of effect when I’d get to having those wrong urges, evil feelings and/or thoughts.

I had to do some thinking to figure out when it – the ‘cure’, if you want to label this that (and it isn’t a cure, but merely a supplement to help in our way of thinking) – came about.  And again, all indicators pointed to our extremely stressful (and yet joyous & fun) experience in Puerto Rico.

And it occurred to me that perhaps this doctor’s work might also apply – or at least help – some of those people with DID.  If, when they get to hearing those voices whispering, feeling those urges – that desire to die (perhaps) or cut themselves (maybe, we’ve been through that one) – they’d say to themselves (or at least the host would):

“It’s not ME . . . it’s the DID” – in their struggle to maintain their lives.

For despite all this I don’t think it’ll change the wiring, but it might help change how we are thinking about ‘them’ (talking about the minor alters here) and their suggestions that we kill ourselves, hurt ourself in some way – because it’s happened, you see.  Not all self-destructive behaviors are so obvious as that – they can come in all flavors & sizes, ranging from the Big Ol’ ‘S’ to a range of smaller ones . . .

say dipping in drugs, or being unfaithful, or doing something criminal sometimes – when the urges hit us we may pretend, and just say:

“It’s not me, it’s the DID, and these urges & voices are part of the symptoms.”

And go with that.

Hopefully it will help in ignoring them.

According to the Doc’s theories regarding neuroplasticity perhaps (and this is a great BIG ol’ “perhaps” in this hypothesis/thesis) – maybe the ‘voices’ will grow softer, perhaps even go away if we keep on delegating them ‘to the back’, telling ourselves “it’s the DID” . . . becoming buried in the back as the wiring changes – if it ‘changes’ at all – delegating those less desirable ‘parts’ to another place, albeit probably still a ‘part’ of ‘me’ . . . a part of the Crowd, anyway.

And that’s good enough for me.


About jeffssong

JW is an adult childhood abuse survivor with DID*. He grew up in a violent family devoid of love and affection. He is a military brat and veteran. He no longer struggles with that past. In 1976 JW began writing "The Boy". It took 34 years to complete. It is currently on Kindle (http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004T3IVKK ), or if you prefer hard copy, on Amazon ( http://www.amazon.com/Boy-J-W/dp/1461022681). JW resides somewhere in the deep South. He is disabled and living with family. Note: Please feel free to take what you need; all is free to all. With that in mind, keep it that way to others. Thank you. We have 3 Blogs - One for our younger days, 0-10 (The Little Shop of Horrors); one for our Teen Alter and his 'friends' (also alters) with a lot of poetry; and finally "my" own, the Song of Life (current events and things)
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One Response to DID & Me: Rewiring, or “It’s Just the Drugs”

  1. thehobbler says:

    Makes sense to me.


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