DID & Me: Inapplicable Emotions – Side Effects of Alters

“Daddy? Are you grumpy?,” my daughter asked.
“No,” I answered, then amended: “Well, part of me is.  But I’m in a pretty good mood overall.”  I smiled. I was.  Still am.

She eyed me suspiciously.

“Dad? You can’t be grumpy and in a good mood at the same time.”

I know was she stating the obvious; Lord knows how many times I’ve said: “You can’t be happy if you’re mad”.  I gave her a wry smile.  The truth is, there was some hard tight knot inside of me. A slow roiling irritation and inexplicable anger building up to rage. And the urge to verbally lash out at someone – make some rude comment, disparage one’s aspirations, sarcastically attack . . .

and I had no reason to.  Nothing I could lay it on.  My daughter had come down for the weekend. It was good and we were out on the deck. The birds were singing. Momma’s cookin’ something up in the kitchen.

Life was (is) good.   But . . .

“I can,” I told her.  “I can feel grumpy and good at the same time.  And you know it.  But mostly I feel good right now.”  Because it was true.  Still is.  Still am overall.

However, there was that hard knot of ‘feeling’ . . . and no clue.

That’s part of being DID.  It’s something I’ve had to deal with for a long, long time – ever since I was a child.  As has everyone.  After all, anyone alive has conflicting emotions sometimes – from the child who ‘hates’ his mother, to the lover who’s still not quite certain . . . But usually there’s a reason behind it: some slight perceived, some behavior, a fear of change (or remaining sedentary) – and so on.  Usually you can find someone – or some thing – to blame.

In this case?  Nada – nothing.  It was just there, a hard knot.

This was two weeks ago.

And I knew at the time. It’s something I’ve learned.   ‘Inexplicable’ or non-applicable emotions that don’t fit the situation you are in often are the result of an upset alter (a part of you).  A part of you is unhappy/angry/sad, whatnot.  Until you can figure out the “who” and why, you might be ‘stuck’ with that nagging emotion.  It might keep growing.  I know “I’ve” had some nightmarish times due to things getting out of hand, so to speak. Things can get wild.  In real life as well.  And not always for the good of ‘me’ (meaning us/we and ‘all’).

But that’s okay.  “You” can still be happy and go-lucky as long as the rest of your parts are behind you.  You gotta find out what’s wrong.  “Who” is this part we’re dealing with? “What” has gone wrong?  Is it “your” time?   We’ve found sometimes parts get grumpy if they aren’t allowed to express themselves.  Agree you’re gonna work on it.  Give it some time.  Quite literally, I mean.  Go ‘in’ and find out what’s wrong.  See if you can pick those emotions apart, find their source of pain.  It may be a case of recognition (yes, I can see you, I am aware: here is your time.)  Engage in internal discussion and/or meditation.  Go into it.  Do the best you can.  It’s okay to acknowledge “you” need to take a break too!  Sometimes you both might. Don’t become too obsessive.  Don’t let it drive you insane.  Tolerate it – and control! – those errant emotions and/or corresponding urges as best you can.  Make your life better if you can – and not worse by doing something ‘stupid’ you might regret later on.  Apologize if you make a mistake.  (wry smile)  Relax, meditate, let the inner dialogue flow and work things out; or do like ‘we’ do and write away . . .

As for ‘me’, I’m going to have to work with “13”.  This is the alter we discovered is having a problem.  It’s a fairly complex task.  In part that’s because he’s more than we’d bargained for.  It’s time to develop his ’emotional’ half.  We’ve been working with ‘him’ for about 2 weeks and have made some progress.  More on that later.  Some of the anger and rage has abated.  But with luck it’ll crack the writer’s block on “The Little Shop of Horrors” that we’ve gone through for awhile – and we finally ‘figured it out’ – it’s at the point where “13” took over.  He’s a tough nut to crack because he built an outer shell . . . and yeah, he enjoys being rather punny.

(bright smile)

sunny

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About jeffssong

JW is an adult childhood abuse survivor with DID*. He grew up in a violent family devoid of love and affection. He is a military brat and veteran. He no longer struggles with that past. In 1976 JW began writing "The Boy". It took 34 years to complete. It is currently on Kindle (http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004T3IVKK ), or if you prefer hard copy, on Amazon ( http://www.amazon.com/Boy-J-W/dp/1461022681). JW resides somewhere in the deep South. He is disabled and living with family. Note: Please feel free to take what you need; all is free to all. With that in mind, keep it that way to others. Thank you. We have 3 Blogs - One for our younger days, 0-10 (The Little Shop of Horrors); one for our Teen Alter and his 'friends' (also alters) with a lot of poetry; and finally "my" own, the Song of Life (current events and things)
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4 Responses to DID & Me: Inapplicable Emotions – Side Effects of Alters

  1. This is probably the hardest aspect of my DID, figuring out how to go “in” and find out who’s upset, and why, and what can be done about it. There’s always the self-consciousness of feeling as if I’m merely talking to myself….well, of course I am, for it’s a part of me I’m attempting to connect with. But it feels contrived, foolish, idiotic, etc.

    I’ve had people tell me I look angry when I don’t feel that way. I’ve had people unsure of if I really mean “yes” when they ask for a favor, because my facial expression doesn’t match the “yes.”

    How wearisome it can become attempting to sort things out! I just want to live my life as everyone else does, without having to do so much inner delving. I know nothing about DID is simple or uncomplicated–that’s just the way it is. But what a legacy to have to deal with daily, these stumble-bum attempts to work through stuff I don’t even feel is connected to “me.”

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    • jeffssong says:

      “these stumble-bum attempts to work through stuff I don’t even feel is connected to “me.” That has the ring of truth to it, indeed! And it IS the truth: things ‘back then’ aren’t exactly connected to the ‘me’ of now and here, unless you count through the tracks of time. ‘We’ are related – that long ago person and ‘me’. And I hate sometimes that ‘he’ is stuck in my head – stuck in a time that’s long been over, stuck with feelings that no longer apply to my everyday situation. “I have enough on my plate, things *I* want to do; can’t you leave me alone? Bear it alone? Keep your crying to yourself?” . . . but no. Repairing damage long left over, shoring up personalities that jest & keep failing. (That was supposed to be ‘just and ‘falling’, guys) – and putting up typos that plague ‘my land’ (hand?), my typing, my pages. LOL. It’s like dragging a sniveling complaining sometimes depressive person by the hand while you’re on vacation – as well as one who is bright-eyed, ‘busy’, and fine . . .
      Everywhere ‘I’ go it’s a family vacation: someone’s fine, someone’s not, someone wants to see what’s around the corner.
      But always ‘they’re’ there. And with them come the unexpected references, the inappropriate ‘reactions’, the statements that startle folks, behaviors with no cues . . . or like in this place, wanting to do one thing while other parts pull this way and that, and some simply refuse.
      I try to look at it as a complicated family, one that “I’ve” got to take care of – as father & dad (sometimes), adviser and counselor (a lot), along with my other alter ‘Jeff’ (I’m M3, by the way: adult ‘alter’ and host). ‘I’ Try to take it with a grin – enjoy the youthful states! – and enjoy the nonsense sometimes, but then . . . well, you know. I guess you can’t have a heaven without a hell of some kind; it’s just up to ‘us’ to pull ‘them’ (The ones caught in depression) out.
      Good luck with yours & ‘them’. I know it’s a tough row to hoe; a hard road to take . . . but sometimes you gotta stop and take in the scenery . . . even if ‘you’ want to move on. :/

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  2. Thanks for everything you wrote, it helps. The humor especially does. I don’t always feel so humorous about multiplicity though I’ve made my share of DID jokes.

    So I guess we just keep stumbling along trying to figure things out as we go, attempting to make everyone happy or at least get them to settle down enough to shuttie for awhile!

    By the way, where do you stand on the issue of integration? I’m against it myself, for me at least. But I know some who are aiming in that direction.

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    • jeffssong says:

      Humor definitely helps. We try and not take things ‘too serious’; sometimes going for the ‘long view’ – say a few thousand years.
      Everyone has a different path I reckon. All those psychologists & therapists & stuff – and people like ‘me’ – can do is put up signposts. Signs in the woods. When it’s quite dark sometimes. And written in . . . who’s handwriting is that? Looks like some child’s. LOL. Or just follow another person’s blunders, or making my own – either way, working on getting a job done. Whatever that is.
      Intergration. (wry smile). Had ‘my’ share of trying for about 15 years. It didn’t work too well. Didn’t make anything ‘better’ and made a lot of bad worse. I guess it depends upon the person, the alters & all. I know we are eyeing trying to combine 2; “13” and “the teen” – but I kinda doubt we’ll succeed. We’ll see. If it can be done.
      We’ve read nightmares from professional documentation – some ‘cases of integration’ that sounded wrong. The shrinks were celebrating while saying “this person is kinda flat in the emotion department . . . but they’ll do. They’re getting along in society just fine; no self-harm”. Well, I don’t like ‘flat’. “We” had enough of THAT when were 13. LOL.
      But I think each road deserves some hoeing, or at least some looking into. It may be for you; may not. My problem is with the people who think I have a problem because they think I have a problem. Just because I think different doesn’t mean I’m don’t work as well if not better sometimes (than a monomind). It’s just different is all. Advantages both ways. 😀

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