“Daddy? Are you grumpy?,” my daughter asked.
“No,” I answered, then amended: “Well, part of me is. But I’m in a pretty good mood overall.” I smiled. I was. Still am.
She eyed me suspiciously.
“Dad? You can’t be grumpy and in a good mood at the same time.”
I know was she stating the obvious; Lord knows how many times I’ve said: “You can’t be happy if you’re mad”. I gave her a wry smile. The truth is, there was some hard tight knot inside of me. A slow roiling irritation and inexplicable anger building up to rage. And the urge to verbally lash out at someone – make some rude comment, disparage one’s aspirations, sarcastically attack . . .
and I had no reason to. Nothing I could lay it on. My daughter had come down for the weekend. It was good and we were out on the deck. The birds were singing. Momma’s cookin’ something up in the kitchen.
Life was (is) good. But . . .
“I can,” I told her. “I can feel grumpy and good at the same time. And you know it. But mostly I feel good right now.” Because it was true. Still is. Still am overall.
However, there was that hard knot of ‘feeling’ . . . and no clue.
That’s part of being DID. It’s something I’ve had to deal with for a long, long time – ever since I was a child. As has everyone. After all, anyone alive has conflicting emotions sometimes – from the child who ‘hates’ his mother, to the lover who’s still not quite certain . . . But usually there’s a reason behind it: some slight perceived, some behavior, a fear of change (or remaining sedentary) – and so on. Usually you can find someone – or some thing – to blame.
In this case? Nada – nothing. It was just there, a hard knot.
This was two weeks ago.
And I knew at the time. It’s something I’ve learned. ‘Inexplicable’ or non-applicable emotions that don’t fit the situation you are in often are the result of an upset alter (a part of you). A part of you is unhappy/angry/sad, whatnot. Until you can figure out the “who” and why, you might be ‘stuck’ with that nagging emotion. It might keep growing. I know “I’ve” had some nightmarish times due to things getting out of hand, so to speak. Things can get wild. In real life as well. And not always for the good of ‘me’ (meaning us/we and ‘all’).
But that’s okay. “You” can still be happy and go-lucky as long as the rest of your parts are behind you. You gotta find out what’s wrong. “Who” is this part we’re dealing with? “What” has gone wrong? Is it “your” time? We’ve found sometimes parts get grumpy if they aren’t allowed to express themselves. Agree you’re gonna work on it. Give it some time. Quite literally, I mean. Go ‘in’ and find out what’s wrong. See if you can pick those emotions apart, find their source of pain. It may be a case of recognition (yes, I can see you, I am aware: here is your time.) Engage in internal discussion and/or meditation. Go into it. Do the best you can. It’s okay to acknowledge “you” need to take a break too! Sometimes you both might. Don’t become too obsessive. Don’t let it drive you insane. Tolerate it – and control! – those errant emotions and/or corresponding urges as best you can. Make your life better if you can – and not worse by doing something ‘stupid’ you might regret later on. Apologize if you make a mistake. (wry smile) Relax, meditate, let the inner dialogue flow and work things out; or do like ‘we’ do and write away . . .
As for ‘me’, I’m going to have to work with “13”. This is the alter we discovered is having a problem. It’s a fairly complex task. In part that’s because he’s more than we’d bargained for. It’s time to develop his ’emotional’ half. We’ve been working with ‘him’ for about 2 weeks and have made some progress. More on that later. Some of the anger and rage has abated. But with luck it’ll crack the writer’s block on “The Little Shop of Horrors” that we’ve gone through for awhile – and we finally ‘figured it out’ – it’s at the point where “13” took over. He’s a tough nut to crack because he built an outer shell . . . and yeah, he enjoys being rather punny.