DID & Me: Merging Alters

First: this is a long ‘rambling’ post. I’m into doing some ‘digging’ (self-therapy**).  If you aren’t DID or don’t know anything about it – it won’t make sense.  That’s what happens when you’ve got multiple personalities (or ‘souls’, as I like to call them).  It’s something you catch when you’re a child . . .  Just so you don’t get too confused.  Tho’ if you’re here, you probably are already.  But this is for ‘me’ as much as anyone else . . . and BTW, postnote here at the beginning – a lot of what is in italics is other alters talking (usually 13) – and ‘we’ decided to put it in . . .
Anyway, here goes:

 Merging of Alters.

I’ve read about it; know the theory.  (See “Therapy Treatment for Dissociative Disorders” for more on that.)    ‘Merging Alters’ – having two become one.  I’ve “had  this feeling” that two might not only be willing to do it, but want to.  To get rid of the pain in younger one.  They are like brothers. (sort of, in a way).

Why do it?  That’s the first question.*  I can’t see any reason to do it (or not to do it) – except to help a troubled alter by merging them (rather than binding them) with another, more stable alter.  (Perhaps have the two become a ‘new’ alter? After a thorough combination of those two?  I dunno.  I dunno if it can be done!).  But it seems this alter (“13”) is permanently damaged, unable to ‘get over it’.  He was a major host for awhile (hell, he was ME at a young age, ‘for real’)  and is a cause of some of my inappropriate behavior(s), comments (some quite cruel), and there’s the unexplained emotions like depression.  Plus: there’d be one less head. One lesson ‘needy’ person. One less in ‘therapy’.  One less depressed soul.

I can’t (or didn’t used to be able to) get two too disparate ‘parts’ to blend or work together, except on a project or thing ‘I’ (meaning the whole) is doing.  And getting two to become ‘one’ means someone’s giving up their “identity” (Though I recognize, as the psychologists would point out, “all of ‘them’ are ‘me’ anyway – just chunks and ‘parts’ compartmentalized into the past – or pain.)

 I used to have a Tinkertoy system: only certain parts ‘fit’ or worked together. Get the wrong ones together and I’d have an inner war, which led to self-harm, huge depressions, suicidal thoughts, rage issues, and angry & crazy (& crazier) behavior.  But after my Puerto Rican trip**, ‘we’ got over it. I can pretty much ‘fit’ or match any part with another.

I wonder if I can convince ’13’ (the alter) he’s grown – or ‘grew’ – into ‘Matthew’, our teen.  I think there’s some sort of major ‘hump’ in the road, though, and it’s called “The Machine”.  ‘We’ all escaped from it (barely, and sort of).   But I think 13 might still be somewhat stuck in ‘there’.   He built “The Machine” quite consciously during 7th grade – an ‘armor’ of enforced non-emotion.  Nothing inside – as much as possible.  No love, no hate, no anger, no like – nothing.  Just plain logic.  “He” wanted to be a logical machine.  And we did (in some ways).  Webecame cold – almost inhumanly so – for years.  (Part of this was due to our training in the military.)  Oh, ‘we’ could imitate life rather well, but ‘we’ were dying inside, and there was lots of pain and angst (hitting that old ‘teenage’ age didn’t help) –

That was why the system broke down when we hit 21 (both age and personality).  That ’emotionless-ness’ – a cold and calculating apathy about things – when I was 14 or so it became noticed by my parents and some peers – to the extent they became concerned.

“13”is stuck there – but ‘he’ is also linked to others.. There IS a very cold & calculating ‘part’ (actually several, and some of them quite vicious, by the way).  I was ‘trained’ to be that way – in “all things” at one time.  I am still learning proper ’emotion’ and empathy.  I’m not so good at the latter, by the way, just in case you meet me. Still something I’m learning.  I am quite capable of inappropriate behavior & emotion – and am still learning what to express, when and where.  It’s part of the problem of having a mucked up childhood.  ‘We’ got torn apart back then.

So I have this cold and unemotional part – but not quite.  He’s given to cynicism and rage. but also extremely lonely, lost feeling, and kinda depressed – tho’ we try to give ‘him’ the best of feelings trying to ‘get over’ this ‘thing’ – hump – whatever.  But “13” is still stuck in the ‘now’ of “then“.   I can understand part of what ‘he’ is feeling (sort of – you gotta see that ’empathy’ thing again) – and sorta not. “I” (the current host) – don’t “like” him (or any of my parts!) being there (I think I should be one ‘whole’ being – but realize that I’m not, and may not ever be – and that’s okay, too, I reckon.  Gotta accept what you can’t fix, right?  However, that doesn’t mean I can’t do some ‘healing’ (I hope!).  But 13’s hurt and maybe beyond my help in healing, and perhaps by anyone else . . .

But . . . 13 gave birth to Matthew (in a way, I hear in my mind).  It was an ‘age’ thing more or less – him growing older and out of what he was . . . (“change of neighborhood”) –

(and an Aha! moment! )

That explains it.

For we spent a YEAR in isolation in that neighborhood (the one after we left the old hood), mostly, as much as we can.

And during that time we were forming the ‘teenager’ Matthew.

But there is this huge gap in time (frowning).  I need to look at this:

1) we were in that neighborhood, going to school 1 (1/2 a year plus summer)
2) we moved, joined new school – new neighborhood. Junior High. Had to be. This is where ‘he’ (13) made the decision to form the new ‘being’ and a new personality he soon took to calling ‘The Machine”
3) Next year, we joined a new school: High School this time.  Matthew was ‘born’ to handle that one.

Got it.  And that’s why I write about it. And how ‘I’ go on to figuring things out. (Notes, somebody?  LOL!)

So, anyway, here we are: multiple personalities. One is 13 and he’s ‘hung’ back in there, in the old neighborhood.  ‘He’ changed ‘it’ (and himself – by smothering all of those painful and pesky emotions of his, including love and everything else ‘under the hood’, so to speak) . . .

and ducking under the cover, he hid himself as well.

And that’s where all those memories went down the drain & disappeared to.  (I’ve been trying to recover the emotions & times of that ‘being’ we are calling “13” as best I can – so far it’s working, though slowly & grudgingly sometimes . . .)

Back to this ‘merging’ of mind/mine.

According to the (“disciple”) – ahem – ‘Book‘ – “fusion . . . takes place when two alters/parts join together with a complete loss of subjective separateness.”

So ‘together’ these two become ‘one’.  In ‘their’ mind and ‘ours’.  (“So be it.” <= voice in my head.)  We’ll see.  Matthew (the teenager ‘he’, 13, grew into being) is willing to ‘take him’.  “13” is willing to ‘go’ – but not too easily, not too quickly.  I’m into memory recovery and “stuff” (finding out the emotional issues behind things; times & values) – and I don’t want to “lose” too much while ‘they’ are joining (if any).  Which is why I’m writing my ‘memories’ down right here.   But the time is coming . . .

Two shall be one.

(meanwhile I’m hearing all these ‘voices’ expressing doubts and ‘stuff’. And some laughing going on, too. Which means ‘I’m in a good mood. LOL.)


* Remember: this is for myself, not ‘you’, the reader, or another DID system. It is ‘my’ way of working things out – sometimes. Everyone has to take their own path at their own pace. And who knows? Maybe someone somewhere, somewhen, will find something of value.
 
** Something a lot of people don’t realize: a lot of DID systems are highly adaptive & dynamic.  And mine, I think, came with a sort of “self-repair” system, courtesy of the education I was given as a young child (13 & so) – when my dad started having me learn about psychology.  He had, I think unknowingly, given me the tools to use in repairing myself – including self-hypnosis (which I don’t like).
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About jeffssong

JW is an adult childhood abuse survivor with DID*. He grew up in a violent family devoid of love and affection. He is a military brat and veteran. He no longer struggles with that past. In 1976 JW began writing "The Boy". It took 34 years to complete. It is currently on Kindle (http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004T3IVKK ), or if you prefer hard copy, on Amazon ( http://www.amazon.com/Boy-J-W/dp/1461022681). JW resides somewhere in the deep South. He is disabled and living with family. Note: Please feel free to take what you need; all is free to all. With that in mind, keep it that way to others. Thank you. We have 3 Blogs - One for our younger days, 0-10 (The Little Shop of Horrors); one for our Teen Alter and his 'friends' (also alters) with a lot of poetry; and finally "my" own, the Song of Life (current events and things)
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2 Responses to DID & Me: Merging Alters

  1. Mustang.Koji says:

    Your thoughts take me back to the Bunker Siamese twins. As difficult as it was, the conjoined twins made it through life. They even married. I think you can bring it all together… You know, like a US Marine.

    Like

    • jeffssong says:

      One of the funniest things a person ever told me, Koji – and this from a guy I’ve known all my life (since I was a kid) – AND one who became a Navy Corpsman – was that I was the ONLY person he ever knew who came out of bootcamp the same as he went in. And this DID crap did help me during the Corps, cuz’ I could switch off all my emotions – and go roaring in. So . . . I can see its uses, but times have changed – and so, I guess, have I. 😀

      Like

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