DID & Me: Closed Doors

“In my mind there is a long dimly lit stone walled corridor.  It is lined with doors and has a low arched roof.  I can sense only darkness and weight, as if it is buried in the dirt.  The hallways seem to stretch forever.  Beyond the doors are rooms.  All the halls connect to one central room.  “The Wood Dome” is what I took to calling it (DOS, the old dayz, and an 8 character limit).  That’s where “The Controller” lived . . .  or lives . . . for a long time.”

The Wooddome

Wooddome & The Controller

This image (the Wood dome above) as well as the hallways have been in my mind forever, or at least it feels that way.  Ever since I was young . . . (‘about 13 or so’, a part of me says, but I think even before.  Maybe when those dreams just started, back when I was 8.*)

I’ve read that such imagery (hallways & doors – with or without rooms; some can lead out into landscapes – an ‘alternative universe’ type thing) – is common among many DID patients.  It seem especially prevalent in those cases where some sort of ritual abuse was involved.

(Thinking about ‘compartmentalization’ – which may be the subject of my next blog, since I see it so well in my own life span.)

I ‘discovered’ what was behind some of those doors when I was 21 or so . . .

Pain, mostly.  Old loves.  Painful still.

HOLDLOVELike a hot spark with sharp spines I hold them – carefully, gently . . . I try to let them go.  But they won’t.  And it goes along with my philosophy that you should hold a love with an open hand, always ready to let it go.  As a matter of fact the graphic above is titled “With Open Hands” – it was done for a love of mine, and how “I” felt about her . . .

She went away, naturally.  It seems they always do.  This was a philosophy my brother and I once agreed was true.  I was about 11 or 12 at the time.  He was 13.

So I shut those doors, locking them behind me.  Locking ‘them’ in those rooms.  Memories, places, things, loves, emotions – what else lays behind those closed doors?  Those closed doors in my head, my imagination, these ‘places’ when I was young?  Do I dare?  Do I want to?  Will it make any difference, either positive or negative?  Is it even important?  I think behind each one is a ‘secret memory’ of something I was doing, something (or one) I was in the past, did in the past.  I don’t know – there is no complete knowing, and once known you can’t forget.  That’s the danger in that thing.  Some things are best left alone? And they are hard to get into.  It’s not like I can just walk up to one in my mind and throw it open.  I know: I’ve tried.

A door opened prematurely leads only into blackness.

I think I’m gonna leave them shut right now.

I’ve never lost the love for someone I loved.  Once there they are there forever.  Which is why I am cautious in love.  Very much so. So much it cost me my life when I was younger: refusing to love at all.

I don’t want to get hurt again.

That was part of “13’s” attitude, his condition.  A kid deciding “He’s had enough of love and all this bull!” – and repeat that exclamation point about a hundred times.

When I was little, I used to this dream with a hallway: “The Witch’s Dream”, I call it.  “Dream.”  Hah!  More like nightmares, though I wasn’t always scared (rarely – usually just dissociated & kinda curious) – I was a confused child.  The ‘white hall’ with its trap doors I was supposed to avoid (but tended to fall through with frightful regularity) – somehow ‘sensing’ them with my mind.  What a useless exercise that was!  And those witches with their long dark robes. And the table with its ‘sacrifices’ – which sometimes was ‘me’, the little child.  What strange dreams for a child to have?  I can still feel that child’s fear and uncertainty, that curiosity and wondering ‘what is going on?’.  Dream or no, it still felt very real.

Witches Dream,” I hear in my head.  My mom was a witch.  Dad – gone off to war.  Who knows what happened?  But somehow I doubt that our rural section of Georgia was a witches coven’s paradise.  I don’t think there was anything at all.  Just my mom being a spiritualist who used her ‘witch’ reputation to tame a child or two (like one of my friends who swore! – he turned her into a frog.  But he got better, of course.)

I’m not too surprised that my mind is divided into sections and corridors.  With rooms and doors.  And a long arched hallway.  And yet I am.  Not being able to get behind them bothers me.  I’m always searching, looking for something.  “I gotta know,” – or want to know.  Without knowing why or what’s important . . .

except I know:

the important thing is now.  And while it may nag and eat at ‘parts’ of me (like a gnawing mouse) – for the most part I’m just fine with it.

At least for a little while.

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About jeffssong

JW is an adult childhood abuse survivor with DID*. He grew up in a violent family devoid of love and affection. He is a military brat and veteran. He no longer struggles with that past. In 1976 JW began writing "The Boy". It took 34 years to complete. It is currently on Kindle (http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004T3IVKK ), or if you prefer hard copy, on Amazon ( http://www.amazon.com/Boy-J-W/dp/1461022681). JW resides somewhere in the deep South. He is disabled and living with family. Note: Please feel free to take what you need; all is free to all. With that in mind, keep it that way to others. Thank you. We have 3 Blogs - One for our younger days, 0-10 (The Little Shop of Horrors); one for our Teen Alter and his 'friends' (also alters) with a lot of poetry; and finally "my" own, the Song of Life (current events and things)
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4 Responses to DID & Me: Closed Doors

  1. Mustang.Koji says:

    I think we all have closed doors. I do. As you wrote, cracking them open greets you with a form of darkness… Something you want to put away.

    Like

    • jeffssong says:

      😀 I will take that as advice to let things lay – which sounds good to me! After all, why open them? Life is good enough. Deal with the effects and not the trauma – tho’ it is sometimes by knowing you find the key.

      Like

  2. We have also an huge innerworld, think its common for those with DID. tho, we have read some have no innerworld. We dont know how long it is. It was there before i came into existence. Much is still to be explored tho ( no idea who wrote this, go figure hah ) some seem to be still locked ( it keeps going and going O.o ) perhaps were not ready? The searching is something were familiar with. Some seem to be obsessed with it. Its outside my control.still wondering… ~ bunch of us

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    • jeffssong says:

      “Universes Inside.” That’s how we describe it. We’ve got a piece of artwork that shows this. You can find it on this post: https://jeffssong.wordpress.com/2012/03/08/issue-avoidance-dancing-around-the-scenes Note the heart with the universes inside. It’s “ours”. DID spaces aren’t limited to just rooms & corridors – it’s landscapes, universes, and worlds. After all, there is infinity between a person’s ears – why not use it??

      Ditto our “Island Nation” – it is a whole ‘world’ (water world) sprinkled with islands; on one we have some ‘alters’ and some ‘helpers’ and it’s a place we go when sick, or for alters that need healing. Our ‘children’ often play there. If I am in need of one or notice one is missing: there I go. Island World. Where the dolphins sing. 😀
      https://jeffssong.wordpress.com/home-about-us/did-me-self-inventory-july-2012/on-the-beach

      We also have the “Desert” where 13 and Matthew got lost (actually, I wonder if Matthew was born into it! – I know “21” was) – and the jungle where they were saved (by children – real ones). Strange life we’ve had, LOL! And the DID thing doesn’t help much.

      And yes, I’ve read that the creation of “places”, some in which the user is locked out (e.g. hidden doors, or doors which refuse to open). I think as my wise friend Mustang.Koji said, these keep out some kind of darkness, or thing, or event too horrifying to remember. The question always remains: open it? or leave it alone. For that I think one must look to the effects. Better known? or not? For some things indeed are left best undisturbed – I think.

      Like

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