Just When You Think There Are No More Surprises . . .

Just When You Think There Are No More Surprises

. . . you learn something new. . . about yourself when you are a person within a DID system.

(M3 here: the adult, ‘grownup’ alter – husband, father, and the current ‘host’ of a wild gang & crew.)

We’ve been having parent problems lately.  Hell, WE’VE always had “parent problems” – from the time we were born until . . .

Well, they’re still alive, aren’t they?  So I (and we) can assume parent problems will progress.  Our “ma” has started suffering oncoming dementia and “the old man” is  in a nursing home, which is probably best for us, best for them, and the only thing that’s probably keeping him & her alive – saving her from the stress of having him in her life and him from her killing him.  Yeah: she’s that kind of person.

But anyway . . .

lately we’ve had to start drawing some HARD boundaries with her.  Firm, strict, no-nonsense, no slack, no cutting back over time, nor softening of position just because she is “family”.  My wife & child understand.  Most can’t.  Some thing I am “disowning” her.  In our society a man who shoves his momma aside is worse than dirt.  Never mind she made him eat it.  In our society a man who refuses to attend to his every elderly parent’s needs is seen as a bit of a heel.  Never mind they all ground me beneath all of them.  That doesn’t seem to count in this life time.

But because of her manipulations we’ve had to start drawing the lines.  I think she’s kinda multiple, claiming not to remember a thing she did a few hours later – or sometimes she does.  I’ve noticed they’re mostly things she doesn’t WANT to recall.  She out & out refuses to acknowledge them – even to herself I think! – that they even happened to the faces of the persons she did them to!  I think her’ old evil personality is starting to show its old teeth.  It’s like a bit of her younger “evil” self is on the loose now that the dementia has begun to wear down inner restrictions & boundaries.  It might be tau proteins between  synapses is creating physical ‘walls’ between her ‘selves’, allowing more expression by individuals.  Or it might just be Alzheimer’s kicking in.  Who knows?

At any rate this hard drawing of boundaries and “lets talk business ONLY & keep your crap to yourself” came from a recent betrayal.  And with it came a host of other “stuff” – things I’d almost forgotten – only I hadn’t.  Read on . . . it’s an interesting antecedote about being an abused child.  Because it’s like this:  when something is such a normal day-to-day part of life you tend to forget it even happened.  It’s like it’s hard to recall a single instance easily – but when you get down to it and start rubbing brain cells together out comes the memories like a magic genie to explain them . . .

I’d set up this a complicated affair dealing with the old man’s health & transportation. It involved the VA, a private nursing home, an ambulance contractor, and an “at-home-away-from-home” escort to accompany my father to his appointments.  I worked all week to “make it happen”, informing ‘mom’ of the scheduling and contracts, etc.  She agreed; said she wanted it: it takes a lot of burden off her increasing decrepit shoulders, and is at the request of my more wisely distant sibling(s).  Then, at the LAST minute as we were preparing to sign down at the establishment, she refuses to sign, laughs in my face, said she was just telling me a lie so she could get me there – and in doing so undoing a lot of work.  That smirk she shot really got me.  Then laughing in my face TELLS me it was just a lie, and made quite intentionally in order to manipulate me.

I am not good with this.  And why?

Because THIS was where the bright lights started popping on over the landscape.  How they’d “done” me, all of them, me being the youngest monkey on their tree.  How they’d offer a prize of some nature for some work or some kind of sacrifice.  And when I’d done it, sweating my balls off sometimes – mowing the yard comes to mind, with the promise of ice cream if I would finish it – they’d yank away my prize.  As in I’d come in all hot & sweating to find them around the table eating the very last of the ice cream, or putting it away & saying I could not have any; I’d worked too slow or was too late.  And that is just one of HUNDREDS, if not thousands of examples of the prize held, and then snatched away – and usually presented to someone else, or given to my brother, or else I’d be told I really didn’t deserve it, or “we’re just going to put this up for you” when I’d win a cash award for my scholarship & studies and/or artwork.  Always with the disappearing prizes and endless disappointments; always it was because I had not done something good enough to stand their inspection, or failed to meet some standard, or as some punishment for normal teenage behavior.  This extended into my college career.  A lot of promises which failed to appear and left me homeless, and up to my ears in bad things (like drugs & crime & that sort of thing).  My parents literally abandoned me when I was 17.  And their stomping of my dreams extended to the art career I was supposed to have & didn’t because when it came time – when I’d done all they had done suggested and asked – I got F’d because they wouldn’t pay the fee ($350 in 1977) to pursue my dream . . .

BUT

It was just one thing TOO damn many this time.  As I told my dad: she has nothing I want, nor need.  I have no use for your woman.  And even he agrees she’s a toxic bitch; always has been, but increasingly so through the years . . .

Now:  Getting onto this “discovering”  of things . . . and “tricks” your alter(s) can play on you.  And for you monominds out there: you don’t get it, I don’t think – how this can work this way.  Which is why so many say DID-MPD/BPD isn’t real; that it’s all an act. I can assure you that it isn’t.  Not at all.  Not for me & ‘us’.

I can rarely play chess – no one to play with except my dad.  BUT . . . whenever I want to go out there the pain of my disability ALWAYS seems to kick up so bad I have to take my pain pills & lay around. I cannot get there.  And I noticed today as I prepared for the 3rd time this week to go & have some ‘fun’ & see my dad . . . this bone-aching ache across the neck & shoulders, really bad . . . & I lay down . . . and a hunch, or suspicion started to form because I had felt FINE up until about an hour to go . . .

And sure enough it was 13.  (“13” is a 13 year old personality, very hard, very cold, very distant, and a true nerd.  But HE was the one who wanted to be a Machine – and DID – building ‘us’ one and putting us all in it for a long, long time.  About 10 years or so for the most of us.  And it was very hard on him & us all.  He was the young Master at the time.)

So it turns out that this “grudge” my 13 year old personality holds against my dad (and he has his reasons) causes this “young person” or part of my person to suddenly take hold – by the nape of the neck, no doubt! (I am laughing about that!) – and tensions & tightens the muscles to the point of spasms . . .

just to keep us home and THAT part from having to deal with my dad.  And the thing is “he” contains several personalities within HIM, like a lot of the younger ones he was built to protect (replacing “10”, who was a slight replacement, or somewhat modification, to the 8 year old “person” or personality who has an alter all HIS own which we have long called “Mikie” but which is just a projection of the 8 year old alter in control at the time.)

Gets complicated, doesn’t it. :-/  Sorry about that.  But basically it boils down to here I THOUGHT I had my ‘system’ down; no new worries, and any new alters are welcome, and ‘everyone’ inside seemed all right and all – the “Family” & Crew is getting along okay – hell, we were even doing some work analyzing “the Crowd” trying to figure out what THEY are or could be . . .

When here comes some new news which we should’ve expected (and probably would’ve if we had a good therapist) – that ol’ “13” – or any alter – CAN CAUSE PHYSICAL PROBLEMS AND/OR AGONY.  Which we knew about that . . . but us?  When we’re all doing so “okay”?

Seems ridiculous, but the funnier thing is . . .

As soon as we “acknowledged” who and where the pain came from?  It went away . . . just gradually eased up and in about 10 minutes we were fine, went out to see him, and got our asses whooped in chess . . .

once again the old master proves he is still king of his kingdom (the chessboard) . . .

and 13 proved: he still has quite a bit of swing, even for a thirteen year old who’s over 50.

The Machine, an old alter 13 built to protect him & 'the others'. Eventually it broke down.

The Machine, an old alter 13 built to protect him & ‘the others’. Eventually it broke down.

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About jeffssong

JW is an adult childhood abuse survivor with DID*. He grew up in a violent family devoid of love and affection. He is a military brat and veteran. He no longer struggles with that past. In 1976 JW began writing "The Boy". It took 34 years to complete. It is currently on Kindle (http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004T3IVKK ), or if you prefer hard copy, on Amazon ( http://www.amazon.com/Boy-J-W/dp/1461022681). JW resides somewhere in the deep South. He is disabled and living with family. Note: Please feel free to take what you need; all is free to all. With that in mind, keep it that way to others. Thank you. We have 3 Blogs - One for our younger days, 0-10 (The Little Shop of Horrors); one for our Teen Alter and his 'friends' (also alters) with a lot of poetry; and finally "my" own, the Song of Life (current events and things)
This entry was posted in 13, Alters, DID, DID Detective, dissociative identity disorder, Education, Family, Life, mental health, MPD, psycho-analysis, Schizophrenia, therapy. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Just When You Think There Are No More Surprises . . .

  1. As always I’m in awe of how much you know about the inner workings of your DID system. You’ve no doubt put some work into it, lots of work, which I haven’t with mine. And I don’t think it’s from laziness on my part, I think I just don’t want to have to admit they exist. But…some of this resonates with me. I know there have been times I’d be fine one minute, then in terrible pain the next. And yes, some of those times (maybe all, not sure) had to do with being around my mother. I especially remember one time when I was 15. I’d moved out of my mother’s house where her hubby raped me all the time, into my biological father’s home. I went back to visit my mother one weekend, mainly out of guilt. I hadn’t been there long when suddenly I had such a crippling pain in my groin that I was bent over double. I suspect it was an abreaction, but at the time I didn’t know what was going on. I tried to downplay it with my mother, straightening up as best I could so she wouldn’t ask too many questions. I don’t recall the first time I was raped, but I suppose that body memory must have arisen from that.

    I also remember that years ago–before I knew I had DID–whenever I was around her for a period of time a part would emerge who did nothing but laugh hysterically. I could see myself doing this and making a baboon out of myself, but was helpless to stop it. Just for the record, my mother died recently; we had been estranged for about 15 years before her death. I had reached a point where I couldn’t do it anymore, couldn’t pretend we had any kind of a bond except for the toxic bond of having been sexually intimate with the same man, ugh.

    I’m glad you set boundaries with your mother. Even if she doesn’t respect them, it’s good for you to make that effort. And what you said about your parents promising to reward you for mowing the lawn, etc, and then reneging….yes, my stepdad did stuff like that. I can still hear his hyena laugh at my disappointment.

    Liked by 1 person

    • jeffssong says:

      We were really caught by surprise by 13’s behavior. This was/is unusual for ‘him’. He’s a pretty detached almost inhuman nerd, but “it” (those feelings) are buried there under his hood. That, I suspect, is the embedded little ones HE is protecting, and in charge of protecting. I suspect our “Little Mikie” – which is also an alter that was created by the very real child between the ages of 5-8 (at which point “M1”, or our very first “host person” appeared, using this mock “boy” to “cover up” what he was in some ways: a normal little boy who was also, due to sexual abuse, highly sexually precocious and also being groomed to be a little predator, while at the same time being ‘broken’ by the highly emotionally charged and polar opposites in expectations of behaviors, attitudes, etc. – that old “culture shock” which sort of shattered us in order to meet everyone’s expectations.

      But we also laughed – AND here’s a nice nifty “trick” – and an admittedly dirty trick as 13 is laughingly willlng to admit – that 13 is capable of:

      Since 13 was created and destroyed (or ‘enveloped’ by his own creation of a faux “Machina”) during a time of learning our “Masters Degree in Psychology; Minor in Sociology” under our father’s tuition while he was getting those (we had to follow along) – as well as on our own self-tutoring on biology, “13” holds a lot of the information. This also go for some other ‘parts’. And the part responsible for a field of information can “deny knowledge” which is what 13 did – because as a “whole” we are “all” well aware of psychosomatic symptomology, and should have seen it. BUT because it lay more in 13’s area of expertise “he” was able to turn it off, and therefore the system as a whole lay unawares until “13” got what he wanted, apparently, which was recognition that “he” and some of “his” (as well as “our”) parts – mostly the children – did not want to go along with the older and more mature adults who have come to terms & peace with my ‘dad’ and wanted to go along & play a game of chess with him.

      Long story, but not done yet, for you pointed out something at the beginning: “I’m in awe of how much you know about the inner workings of your DID system. You’ve no doubt put some work into it, lots of work, which I haven’t with mine.”

      We appreciate the compliment, yes we do! – and for sure you were and are right. We’ve been working on it for over 25 years now, and always kinda “knew”, most definitely by the time we were 16 that ‘we’ were more than ‘one’ and that ‘some’ were pretty bad – but we thought EVERYONE thought like that, had ‘this thing’, and thought in terms of “we” and “us”, and all that. After all, it seemed perfectly normal to us! But on the other hand we, seeing NO one ‘expressing’ alters or parts learned to pretty much keep ourselves sort of hidden, tho’ we came out some of the time, including some very bad ones. We won’t go into that. And we STILL have not got the full system mapped out. We are still working on “the Crowd” – who/what are they? Incomplete ‘persons’? Lately we’ve been thinking they are customized states for meeting highly individualized situations, and perhaps there are hundreds of these “frozen things”. Needed once, no longer used, but still kept around. And then there are “The OTHERS”. I’m not sure all caps is necessary, but these are some long term “beings” with long term plans – some spanning for years, others measured in *decades* – and I kid you not on that! – and we are still trying to get a handle on “them”, what they are and are all about, but it seems to be some kind of “guidance system” for long term duties and obligations, especially with some long term goal. We are not sure nor certain what, but if you wanted to go all “mystic” we’ve gotten some theories. But we do not want to inflict our religious beliefs on others.

      Mapping it all out . . . a continuous ongoing effort, and a daily tangle. Every day M3 (or the trio of “hosts” in charge, has to take a quick “feel around” for disturbed or distraught or upset. He has to decide “who” to use for the day’s events, for we do everything in trios to avoid the extremes of any one alter, and to make more informed judgements, sometimes with 3 to 5 others aware & “hanging over the shoulder” keeping tabs on decisions, etc. Switching happens almost automatically as events call for; however, “he” (M3) has to step in for corrections, or allow one or another of ‘us’ to play & come outside. For the grandchildren & the teenagers; and for the adults sometimes, & also for the wife when we are able. She’s pretty good but we also don’t “act out” or let ourselves get too far away from an approved baseline of behavior, tho’ my wife (his wife, her wife, whatever! – 😉 You know how us mulitples go!) – will step in sometimes & inform us of inappropriate behavior and/or sentences. It happens. (We wanted to start that sentence with “Sh”. 😉 )

      Anyway: yes (M3 coming back online) – it was not, and is not easy. I would suggest using tools available, such as flowcharts, O-charts even. We did. Create a “lineage” because everyone came from someone else, and someone else before them. You might find alters having alters, hiding behind them. We did. Or you might find where you can split an alter, or cut a deal with one. Knowing them and accepting them and getting as much communication going as you can inside is very important, in our own opinion. It’s the only way we can survive.

      So . . . don’t be too “in awe”. It’s a lot of hard work. We’re thinking you seem to be doing fairly well compared to some of the systems we’ve run into. Kudos on keeping it together, even if it is sort of falling apart. As long as the threads hold . . . 😉 and try to start to documenting, & tracking ’em down, & getting you some maps started. Just an idea, but very hard. It took us about a year in 2012 or so. And even then things change. A DID system, like a family, CAN and usually does change over time, it seems. :-/ .

      Like

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