When we started blogging again many of my ‘parts’ knew something was up. We rarely write in our journals unless there is some sort of upset, or an issue (or issues) which need addressed within our DID system, or, as I ‘hear’ 13’s voice whispering, the DID “Machine”.
First, what is known about “13”?
13 is/was evolved from the little boy when he returned from Europe and living on Army bases during the Cold War, including a small Army airbase which was devoted to spying on the East Germans. “He” (13) was ‘created’ . . . well, that’s a good puzzle, which is why I am writing this down. Dissecting alters one by one needs to be done by any sane person, or even an insane one, which is why “I” am here. The first step usually is
Identify Where or What “person” or Personality created this alter.
In our case we suspect it was M1, who three years prior had found his butt yanked from the sand hills of midland Georgia – a really “Deliverance” lifestyle – into the military one of “Army” and “World”. This little boy, yanked from school to school and across the land hand to come up with a way to cope, and in this instance it went towards forming a “person” or “personality” for each environment – and there were a lot of them! First his “familial” environment, or that peculiar environment unique to one’s family; then the “culture” – of which there were several just on the military base! – foreign, enlisted, officer class, Army soldiers, and of course “Krautland” (the German civilian world) which lay right over the fence. There were the school environments, and of course the cliche’s & groups within them – much different than your civilian schools, a parent’s rank segregated them more than creed, race, or color did. This was a very strange environment for a little kid.
Add in the trauma. Boy gets jerked around – over 6 moves in 1 year, then settling on this ‘spy base‘ where, indeed, the CIA was working and nuclear bombs were stored. Boy is handed survival manuals and trained in light weight guerilla warfare, trains with the G.I.’s out in the field, told he’s gonna have to be & do something out of “Red Dawn” – spurring other children to war, leading them, all the while trying to get back home while battling the Russians . . . then his father betrays them, and he loses his best (and only) good friend . . .
A strange world indeed, and true.
So we come home, find ourselves in this “new” environment, only it’s the old one (we returned for a short while to “the Hood”), got jerked once more – from one school we hated to one we hated even more; then the parents divorced . . .
and THAT’S more or less when 13 was formed, or born. And I (M3, adult host) remember quite clearly – heck, we all do! – when one day in Mr. Bell’s class, 13, fed up, 13 comes up with a solution.
“I will feel no more emotions,” he decided, and wrote this diatribe against them, love – everything.
“I will become a Machine,” he decided.
And he damn well near did.
For the next YEAR – and I mean it, a whole year – “we” holed up as best we all could – life went on on the outside – but at that instant, in that home room science class, under Mr. Bell’s callous tutelage, “we” all gave up, were bound, mouths taped, put in mental closets. Love disappeared from our life. *EVERYTHING* disappeared, emotionally.
My parents became concerned because we rarely, if ever went out.
It was “done” rather quickly, and (tada!) – just lately we’ve figured out a mystery.
See the graphic below? It was done some years back. “We” didn’t know “who” was in it, or exactly what it meant. All “we” knew is/was that it (the human figure) was the Controller of “the Machine” or “us all”, affecting and influencing our every decision on up into our 20’s. This is a the picture in question:
But here’s the thing. That “person” controlling? We did not have a clue until last week – about 5 days ago. THAT IS 13 standing there “controlling”. He is “in” his “Machine” that he built, the one that was supposed to keep us ‘safe’ – and did – for almost a decade and a half. And it very nearly cost us all our lives. Life “in there” was oppressive. Think: “no emotions” – but not really. Tortured by shadows of emotions and real ones would be more like it. And eventually the Machine broke down and did this:
meanwhile in REAL life we began to try to kill ourselves in order to avoid the love we’d found . . .
For “for real” three children came in our lives . . . and unknowingly began to save us.
And that’s a very for real story right there.
13. He’s the source(s) of our ‘trouble’ – but it isn’t trouble – but it is. “13” is still frozen like a machine, perhaps even ‘in’ the hulk left above. “He”, or “it”, this former Controller (Host) Alter still has quite a bit of pull and influence our all our lives, as all former host alters do. “We” have to figure out what is the problem, the trouble. Is it merely time to “tell his story”? If so are we going to have to blog on “The Little Shop Of Horrors” again? It needs done . . . but currently “he” (13) views THAT blog as the history of “the little boy”, the alters before “him”. And then there’s this:
13 is the author & creator of “The Beast”, which is one of our most terrible alters of all. This comes from 1) his Cold War training, and 2) Him turning all his emotions “off”. There is no empathy, just pure logic . . . and a cold hard thin blade of emotion we do not understand, nor what it is directed towards.
Such is the life of a DID Detective. Always some more work to be done, and this “case” is taking such a long time . . . yet we manage to enjoy it anyway now. 🙂 Just another puzzle in the pieces of a puzzle . . . another problem, yet not a problem to be solved.