DID folks have to ask themselves a lot of questions sometimes, and sometimes on a daily basis. “Who did THIS?” “Where did THAT come from?” “What does it MEAN, if anything?” “Which part of ‘me’ is did THAT?” and often, “Do ‘I’, the adult personality have to GO through it, too? Sometimes I find these things upsetting!”
And sometimes, as in this case, you find stuff “you’ve hidden from YOU”. Yes, it is not only entirely possible, it’s a trick you can learn. I’ve found over the years “some part of me” hiding something kind of useful, like when you need money and suddenly “remember” where you put some cash – or in many cases just finding yourself going somewhere in your house and ‘discovering’ a stash laying there. For us, and I guess other DID folks it’s the same as happened yesterday: You’ll just be going about your daily life and you’ll find something “odd” or strange. In our case it’s often something we – or rather, some part of us wrote and wonder – unlike ‘normal’ people have to do:
“Why has this come up – surfaced – NOW? What does it mean – if anything? Should I regard it as something important to me NOW – or was it something some other part of me was – or still is? – going through?”
If you want to take a cruise down what apparently is one, or several of my younger alter’s (13 year old teenager, maybe some more) personal rage against aging parents, which “I”, myself, don’t really share, click on the link on the end of this long, rambling intro.
Personally (I’m an alternate personality, too – “M3” – one of the grown up ones) don’t get anything out of it. I feel no real rage or anger towards those old folks anymore. They wrote their fate, and yes, I feel a bit of responsibility for them, but not much at all. If anything I wish they would just be happy, but my mom never will. Sure, they were stupid and abusive beyond measure, or anything other parents around us were doing (as best I can find out for that day and age) – and my mom, being psychotic (she’d also been sorely abused as a child, mostly through hard work and unfairness) didn’t help. She “lost it” with us kids being an oft times alone Army mother of two boys, and together with my oft times abusive dad (he was kind of a closet sadist when he paid any attention at all) – they pretty much mucked both their kids up emotionally and socially.
We (my brother & I) can fit in, but don’t fit in, anywhere we are, having “come from nothing and nowhere” as a child. It doesn’t matter – CEO’s and heads of major corporations (I was a factory designer for pharma) or some hillbilly hick sitting around a campfire and drinking with parts of “me” standing apart inside, aside & looking on, disagreeing, or criticizing; the scientist “me’s” looking at stars or observing plasma flows in a fire; the “little kid” wanting to go “camping” or make a midnight tour of some mountain . . .
Yeah, managing that kind of divisive and various herd in your mind is part of what DID is about, and something most ‘normal’ people apparently don’t have to go through.
Officially the post the link below leads to my “teenager’s” journals. It’s on WordPress as the “The Lost Journals“. The article we stumbled across that spawned this link is from April 2011, and this was/is another case of “who did what?” and “should ‘I’, a core adult alter, be concerned now?”. It apparently was written by teenage alters. I stumbled across it rambling in some old web archives I’ve got “laying around” – or did “I”, and if so, why now? I am beginning to suspect this is a hint that I need to focus on early to mid-teen years – something which I have not covered. There’s a lot of pain during that period. And I wonder: does this involve “21”, an alter that evolved after 13’s “Machine” went dead? I hope not, but perhaps I need to document/focus on up to my early 20’s and look at some very hard stuff that was happening “inside” then. Fortunately for me “21” was a very good journaler and we kept the notes he wrote. (Now finding them? That’s going to be either hard or easy, depending upon the cooperation of my inside selves.).
This, too, is an issue people with DID/NOS and/or DID/MPD/BPD (Multiple Personality / Borderline Personality Disorders) have to cover and deal with: being a detective about yourself, your past, and trying to sort out what happened, and the effect(s) it might have had on you and your various “persons” or personas. And though I dread it, I feel a “pull”, push, or drive; yet I am shying away from it. I don’t WANT to look – but I do. It’s like discovering one’s own personal train wreck and slowly – oh so slowly – reliving it as you do. Why look now in old archives now? That’s one of the mysteries of dissociative identity: Puzzling out “Who did what? Or did that? Wrote this? And what is the meaning?” – and then trying to decipher the “why’s” . . . and I’m still doing it.
With all that said . . .
Let’s get on with “13’s” story and “our” griping about our parents . . . and why “we” think having DID is a blessing from time to time . . .