Socrates supposedly said: “”The unexamined life is not worth living”.
How many minds question themselves? Many do; however, not in depth, and certainly not to the depth the mentally ‘abused’, bent, tortured, or led astray have to, nor ask the questions “why?” of every impulse, stray thought, emotion, or just that general ‘discomfort’ that DID folks sometimes feel, as though there was something awry in their life (or ‘lives’, if you prefer, for that’s the way it seems to us).
Digging into the “discomfort” in our own personal psyche we’ve come to suspect it revolves around what we have put off and never done. We think there is a disconnect between the wild variety of our “past lives” and what we “are now” – married 3 decades, with 1 biological child and plenty of steps to boot, plus we’re into grandchildren now – great-grands if you want to count some of the off-shoots. We are not “the druggie”, but we do miss previous families, and our tale is wild. That’s what everyone tells me. (That and we should write a book, but like us, time-wise it’s so fractured . . .)
But the BIG KEY question is: How and where did our fugue come about that cost us some old friends, a lot of money, and some damage to our house.
Factions and Groups in Dissociative Identity Disorder
It appears that a large part of our problem is the way our system runs: in groups and, at times, “factions”. The “groups” can be like “a little”group of kids” – usually with our teenage personality, Matthew, taking over on the adult functions. We have a group of a few women; this helps create in us ‘maternal’ instinct and caring for babies and infants. Our paternal “side” is actually an excellent blend of 3 surprising characters: our Marine (and Soldier, which comes from our childhood – much more vicious), Matthew again, and our “adult side” – M3 as we call him in our blog. There are only 2 teen alters I am aware of; however, other alters were created during their period. In those we find factions. The reason was simple: too much exposure to multiple opposing cultures, “ways I have to be” kind of thing. So we developed personalities to fit each one. And some are 180 degrees diametrically opposed; some are larger than others.
It is that opposition in views, morals, emotional contexts, ethics, modes of behavior, things to say and do which causes a lot of our problems, and it is usually within our own factions that we “feel” or get this – which DOES lead to a lot of inappropriate jokes, sentences, thoughts, views, et cetra. People say I’m brilliant, cut to the chase, and come up with good, quick, cheap, and unusually unique solutions to all kinds of problems.
I also say the wrong thing, am too blunt with the truth, and can be crude and/or coarse in person.
These are side-effects of DID, and the battle of factions, impulse control, and a failure to “behave” in all the situations I am in. (But I’ve been told I’m a fun guy – “a hoot!” – in person.)
But when it comes to that fugue, and some of our more errant behavior – it’s not the groups that are the problem so much. THEY tend to get along.
Factions are much more dangerous!
“Groups”tend to be groups of compatible personalities and personality “sub-systems, and they are rarely in disagreement with the majority. We “run” on a “majority rules” system, by the way; however, a democracy it is NOT sometimes!
In a group – say our “scientists heads” (we’re trained in various fields, being seriously addicted to learning – over 12 years of college to boot!) – and our “little kids” get together to do some teaching with either the “Main Adult” alter (a combination of M3’s ethics system – and Matthew, a primary teenage alter). This mixture is probably what will be present around kids.
For adult teaching/tutoring we we substitute ‘Matthew’ with M2 and his ability to “clone” systems – for the rednecks we were teaching, or the Marines, and various peoples we met while we were in advanced (beyond H.S.) training – college and such. Heck, we were so good with AutoCAD we were teaching it before we got out to the rest of the class. The instructor had to go get trained. LOL
Factions, on the other hand, usually consist of groups with differing ethics, moral, and most importantly, BEHAVIORAL systems.
Their belief systems may run absolutely counter to each other. Some run counter to social rules. Some run counter to human nature, period. They are allies, groomed for an event that never happened (From birth on I had decades of training for World War III and the apocalyptic aftermath by the U.S. military). Some personalities can’t be let out unless in real battle. “We” – and by that I mean some of my child selves, as well as the teen – love the military, and being in ‘the field’. Parts were trained to be hard, blood-thirsty, totally unreasoning – just anger, pure cold rage.
As a young child we were taught and brought up killing love by killing the things we loved, and losing things, including people. Not that we loved killing, but some adult or event would require us being ordered to do it, or lose something. Part of being a military child means you move a lot, and we did. And we loved and lost so often that by the time we turned 13 years old we swore off of love, or any kind of emotion – ever again! That training still hurts some of our adult parts, but not so much the disturbed child. Children have very few moralities beyond their own desires, and that which they have learned to love and desire.
Our majority rules system keeps things fairly stable – in short, the majority overruling factions – which helps me in relationships, etc – so there’s a good thing. There are atheistic parts, but previous fugue states have convinced us we’re a religious majority, not that we practice any organized religion’s beliefs and practices. Our religion is based on years of studying physics, astronomy, and quantum mechanics, plus many theories, what we’ve learned as humans. Indeed, science brought ‘me’ back to religion after my father’s misuse of it. But some parts of “me” are still atheists, set against any such idea.
That’s the danger of factions: they can cause emotional angst, depression, pain, et cetra – even at a good event! They will and do throw out what is called “intrusive thoughts” which disrupt, or change ‘my’ view mid-step. What was right is wrong; wrong – okay. “I”, and some of the other adult alters always have to be on alert. Apparently we were not during our fugue.
Ditto love, hope, et cetra. Apathy can be a wonderful thing, but it solves nothing, and “I” still feel this deep down ‘disturbance’. Nothing matters much, in a way. Fortunately, “Doing good”, “doing the right thing (mostly)” and “helping others” still are pretty strong, in general, since we were trained to do that as a child. But there are parts that in general struggle with apathy, no reason to “be”, but still are – but also seem to be missing at the same time.
Being DID I know I am not feeling things . . . right, or as deep as I should, or did in my pre-fugue state, and I have problems sustaining emotions, or even incurring them in my post-fugue self. No real anger, and no real in depth love (though it’s there if I set my mind to it). Flat, yet not burnt out. I truly keep it to one goal now when I’m around people:
Be compatible and “the person they know” – e.g. polite and friendly, or more “my old pre-fugue self”, while maintaining my own special relationships (what few are left), and engaging in appropriate cultural and social behavior according to the people I am around, or in, while maintaining the values I’ve been taught – but overruling that at times in order to “play the game” with them.
Now what that game is, I have not a clue.
Often it seems I am doing, or tend to do, is to bend their culture to suit “our” (the United States of America and humane), though my view of American culture is pretty much dominated by its legal rules, and not the views and attitudes of citizens, groups, and/or cultures within it.
In short I can ‘blend in” or “insert” myself into a crowd – get along with total strangers (indeed, am known for approaching them & making friends sometimes, definitely information, and sometimes cool perks) – and if I am around a culture – say a different country or a bunch of rednecks – I tend to pick up their ways quick.
Once I went to Germany for 2 weeks and came back with a German accent, much to my wife’s dismay. After a few weeks Southern drawl came back. That certainly made her happy. She didn’t care for the “ya!”, hard “g’s” and “r’s”.
But it looks as though I’m going to have to go through those past lives – I’m missing some time, a 4 year hunk from during the mid-20’s.
And while I know it doesn’t deal with the “effect” – I think my wife might just get her wish. I’ve got some stories that I may need to get out – probably in our “Lost Journals“). But those stories are not the effect, and I have some grave doubts as to how much healing will be done by attacking them.
After all: it’s the effect that counts, not the cause, and the cause – I think! – was a sudden shift in lifestyle . . . maybe.